Monday, June 14, 2010 at 2:56AM While brainstorming (and mindstorming) new and exciting ideas and features for the site I would be remiss if I let the passing of Jimmy fucking Dean go unnoticed. He was 81. Here is a picture of him looking like a destroyer of worlds.
Friday, June 11, 2010 at 2:37AM Greetings and salutations! How are you al-*dodges thrown lamp* What?! Where have I been? What do you mean where have I be—oh I haven’t posted in a month. I do apologize for that but know that I am hard at work on a site redesign and since I am a one-man operation it takes longer than your usual Google or Geocities site. If I could work on this site all day I would but I have a country to run and that oil spill ain’t gonna fix itself (wait maybe it will…GET ME BP). Just know that soon(ish? Yeah, -ish) this site will look and run much better and there will be structure and a schedule to my posts! I realize this is a lot of updates since the bulk of my reader requests consist of people imploring simply that I “stop saying ‘Fuck-rotten hate-pigs’” although to my knowledge I have never said that. Also, to my knowledge The Jetsons are real and I owe them $30,000 in lost wages. Please stay tuned and we’ll return to our regularly scheduled ejaculation jokes real soon, champ. In the meantime enjoy this picture I took of your mother last night...
I love you all. Come back real soon.
Sunday, May 16, 2010 at 1:00AM Gather ‘round boys and girls (ew) and let me tell you about some down right delicious vittels just ‘round the bend! Holy shit what a fucking misfire of a first sentence that was. I eated at Reposado in Palo Alto tonight and nino oh nino is this place the jam. Palo Alto is the quaint California hamlet where each friendly townie you pass on the street could buy and sell you and your family to coked up Russian mobsters ten times in a day. What was a hunched-over gelfling like me doing in a place like that? Well if it was three years ago you could have correctly guessed giving handies in exchange for Apple stock, but those days are behind me. I have a well-stocked Apple portfolio and the arthritis to prove it. Look the point is I was there and Reposado is amazing.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010 at 9:35PM Wow, your desk must be getting pretty cluttered at this point what with the USB-powered mini fridge, the USB-powered novelty hedge clippers, the USB-powered USB power adapter, the USB-you get the picture. The point is CLEAR OUT SOME ROOM, CHARLIE, because you need this USB-powered microwave!
Now I must let you know/crush your dreams that this is only a prototype. Please send all hate email to fakeymcfakemail@internet.biz. Honestly though, if this were an actual product and I showed you where you could order one right this minute you would probably drain your family's nest egg ordering as many as the law would allow. This gives you a little time to cool down and let the initial excitement subside. That way on launch day you can walk into the Technology Store™ cooler than Fonzi riding a saddled James Dean and say to the e-Clerk, "Hey there hepcat, I was wondering if you could hook me up with one of those microwaves what don't need no power but my lappytoppy." At that point you'll probably need to get another clerk because the first one melted into a buttery pile of coolness overload.
via (ohgizmo!)
Thursday, April 29, 2010 at 6:02PM Since I have been eating only small bits of corn and water for the past few weeks I don’t have any new recipes to share with you guys at the moment. What I do I have is a cock-load of crazy from Japan. This time it is a commercial for, spins the wheel of batshit lunacy, oh of course bananas! Let’s get this over with…
Well shit. That was certainly something. I guess they figured that everyone knows what a fucking banana tastes like so there is no point in trying to sell someone the idea of a banana. You either like them or you don’t. So now they have all this purchased advertising space and no pressure to sell you a damn thing. Here is a conversation I secretly recorded from Banana Corporate Headquarters, Inc…dot com:
Banana Executive #1: We do not need to sell the most honorable banana. However we have purchased seven million Japan dollars worth of advertising space.
Banana Executive #2: Where would we find such a most honorable director to create such an ad? One free of reason and a clear message.
Banana Executive #1: How about that guy who hangs out in front of our most honorable building. The one who is always drinking bourbon and motor oil.
Banana Executive #2: Brilliant!
Banana Executive #1: <buzzes secretary> Hiroki, could you send in a bottle of Pennzoil?
Think that one was odd? Hit the jump for a boat load more and may God have mercy on your soul.
Japan, Wesley Snipes, banana, bananas 
